Ha!
What is this?
Uh!
Good hands, Nedderman. Take a lap.
By itself, a basketball is just a round sack of air.
Like many of you.
But in the hands of someone properly trained...
in its use and skilled in its art...
this ball can do great things.
Oates, I can hear you wheezing from here.
Take a lap. Lose the asthma.
To survive outside these walls...
you need more than just math and science.
The world does not stop...
for people who can spell fancy words...
or tell you the capital of Montana.
The capital of Montana, Watson?
- Helena? - Who cares? Take a lap.
The only thing that matters in this world, ladies, is strength.
Strength of body and strength of mind.
Now if you're not strong enough...
by the time you leave these doors...
you may as well give up and go home to your mommas.
Or grandma. Put your hand down, Lewis.
We all know your parents died. Give it a rest.
- Oh! - Pick up the pace, Nedderman.
Well, Farley, it looks like you forgot your gym clothes again.
No, sir, somebody...
It's a rhetorical question, Farley.
- What? - It's a rhetorical question.
That means you don't have to answer it.
Because either I already know the answer...
or I don't care what your answer is.
You see, in my class, Farley...
everyone is required to wear regulation gym shorts and shirt.
Gutierrez, go get the rentals.
Start changing.
- No, in line. - What?
See, the locker room is reserved...
for people who brought the appropriate attire.
- You change here. - It's OK, John. Be strong.
No talking, Nedderman. 10 laps.
Take Wheezy with you.
Come on, let's go.
The rentals, Farley, that's 25 cents.
- But somebody stole my... - l... I didn't ask you a question, Farley.
- Not even a rhetorical one. - Uh...
It seems to me that someone needs a lesson...
in personal responsibility.
Not even one chin-up, Farley?
Can't hang on!
You are a disgrace to fat...
gelatinous, out-of-shape little kids the world over.
I don't tolerate losers in my gymnasium.
- Are you gonna be a loser? - No, sir.
Rhetorical, Farley. I already know the answer.
Heads up, Nedderman.
Uh!
Don't you even think about letting go.
Uh!
- You guys ready to let go? - Yeah!
All right!
- Mr. Farley? - Oh, sure. How you doing?
- All right, what's your name? - Scott.
John, you don't have time for this.
- Oh... - Bye-bye.
I'm sorry, guys.
- Keep letting go. - John! John!
OK, now remember they're all potential stalkers.
Most want an autograph and a handshake...
but some of them want an autograph and a handshake...
and then they want to take you home, tie you up...
and saw your feet off.
- Well, hi there. - John Farley.
Your book saved my life.
I didn't do anything. You did it.
All I did was give you the raft.
- You had to inflate it yourself. - Mm-hm.
Mr. Farley, I used to feel ostracized because of my weight.
But with your help I'm starting to get my self-confidence back.
Ha! That's a great story.
Why don't you check out the free coffee and donuts?
Oh!
By letting go, do you mean we should just forget everything?
My mom said he wouldn't drink so much...
if he could just forget about that summer in Uncle Lou's house.
Well, we all have an Uncle Lou.
And we all drink for different reasons.
Long day.
I don't even think I can hold a pen anymore.
Let me give you the same advice I gave Nelson Mandela...
on his last book tour.
Quit whining, you pussy.
- That's helpful. - You have no idea...
the stuff that I am saving you from.
Some shithole in Nebraska wanted to give you...
their corn husk bucket or something.
The Corn Cob Key?
Uh, is that what it is? L... I don't know. "The Forest...
"...Meadow Nebraska Chamber of Commerce...
"wishes to award Mr. John Farley the Corn Cob Key to the City."
Oh, my God. This is my hometown.
- This is awesome. What did you tell them? - I told them yes.
- Really? - No.
Why? Wait.
Maggie, the Corn Cob Key is a huge honor.
They hardly ever give it out anymore...
but when they do it's the highlight of the whole cornival.
I'm sorry. Did you just say cornival?
Well, yeah. It's a farm town...
so, you know, every year we have this big celebration.
Corn carnival. Cornival.
- Cornival. - Maggie, you don't understand.
My mom was Corn Cob Queen in 1970.
I mean, she still rides in the parade every year.
- This will mean so much to her. - Cornival?
You know what? Call them back.
I could fly in tomorrow and surprise her. It's perfect.
You would need a court order to make me go see my mom.
This is different. Since my dad died, I'm all she's got.
Oh, your dad's dead?
It's a major theme of my book.
The whole last chapter's about how I let go of that pain.
You haven't read my book, have you?
Well, there's no point now. You just ruined the ending.
Hi, John!
Welcome home, John. Ha ha ha!
Luke Jessop, uh, Forest Meadow Town Council.
We appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule...
to... to... to come home and see the little people.
Thank you. This is great.
It's an honor to be considered worthy of the Corn Cob Key.
Well, you've earned it, young...
Young man. We are mighty proud of you.
So on behalf of... of...
Well, of all of us, John...
- Corn-gratulations! - Ha ha ha!
...Famous award-winning corn chowder...
- Johnny! Oh, my God, you're here! - Hey!
- How are you? - Oh!
I heard your news and I tried to call you but now you're here!
I was flying in. I wanted to surprise you.
- Oh! I am so proud of you. - Thank you, Mom.
How's it going? Is the book tour good?
- Yeah, it's good. - Are you having fun?
Yeah, I'm happy. You look great.
- Thanks. - Yeah. You going somewhere?
Yeah. I have a date.
- Really? - Yeah.
- A... Are you seeing someone? - Yeah.
Oh, my God. That's fantastic. For how long?
- 5 months. - What? Why didn't you mention it?
Oh, because you don't like to hear when I have a date.
- Oh, well, so what's he like? - Oh, he's great.
He's so handsome and he's... he's sweet and consid...
- He's a gentleman. - Oh, Mom, I'm so happy for you.
- Thanks. - I can't wait to meet him.
- You know, you know him already. - I do?
Yeah.
Mr. Woodcock?
Farley, I brought you some daisies.
- Jasper! - Sorry, I'm late, honey.
That's OK.
Uh, this is Johnny.
My son. Do you remember him now?
No.
- But I've heard a lot. - Hm.
It's not every day you get to shake hands with a celebrity.
Ha ha ha!
- Uh, you ready for dinner? - Mm-hm.
I don't know about you...
but I've been thinking about meat all day long.
I can't believe you don't remember him.
He was the cutest kid.
About this high with his chubby little cheeks.
- Mom. - I had a lot of fat kids over the years.
Oh, he wasn't fat!
Wait a minute.
It's coming back to me.
You're not that kid that got the squirts...
on the balance beam that time, were you?
- Jasper. - No.
Actually I remember you pretty well.
You kinda gave me a lot of personal attention back then.
- Aw. - Well, I take a healthy interest in the kids.
Serves them well later in life.
Oh, that's so true, that's so true. And that is why...
they're making Jasper the Educator of the Year.
- You're kidding! - Why would she be kidding?
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! You know what I just realized?
Both of my fellas are being honored in the same week.
They're giving Johnny the Corn Cob Key.
You're kidding.
So I'm doing laps at the Y and he's in the next lane...
and all of a sudden my leg seizes up and I go under.
It was a bad cramp. And if I remember correctly...
I think it was about...
- Right here. - Ha ha ha.
Ahem. So he saved your life, then?
Well, it was the shallow end.
You can drown in six inches of water.
- That is so true. - Hm.
Well, if you will excuse me...
I am going to, uh, the ladies room.
You boys behave yourself.
So what's your book about?
Oh. Um...
well, it teaches people how to release painful memories...
so they can rebuild their self-esteem.
It's called Letting Go. How To Get Past Your Past.
I'm already past my past.
That's why it's called my past.
Well, some people find my book helpful.
Lot of losers out there, I guess.
Well, would you like an espresso, er, cappuccino?
- Um, a cup... - Just the check.
Oh, OK.
Thanks, guys.
Um, my treat.
You're the guest. I'll take care of it.
No, really, it's fine.
I can afford it.
So you're saying I can't?
No, of course not.
Well, then, why don't you take your own advice and, uh, let go?
Thank you, Jasper. That is so sweet.
Johnny, don't you have something to say?
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
- Ha ha ha. - I swear to God it's true.
No, no, no. No. No. Thank you, honey.
No, I don't believe you. You did not beat Santa Claus up.
- Stop it. - I was 7 years old at the time.
And some kids at school told me that there's no Santa Claus.
Uh-huh?
Well, on Christmas Eve when I come downstairs...
and see some guy messing around under the Christmas tree...
I go to my dad's closet...
- and get a three wood... - Oh, no!
And next thing you know, Uncle Bob's in the hospital.
No! Oh, poor Uncle Bob.
Ate the entire Christmas dinner through a straw that year.
- No! - Yeah.
What a great story.
Well, I guess we'd better call it a night.
It's good to see you, Mr. Woodcock.
Well, I guess I could let you have her for one night, Farley.
Probably good for the old hip flexor...
to take a night off anyway, huh?
- Jasper! - Ha ha ha! Yeah.
That was a fun night. Come on, you guys!
You guys! Ooooohhhhhh! Mmmm!
- I'll call you tomorrow, honey. - OK.
- Farley. - Yep.
Mr. Woodcock.
And he is just so easy to be with.
Last month... we went camping.
- You hate camping. - I know!
I mean, it was just the 2 of us for 3 days...
and it was heaven.
Ha ha ha. It was great.
Wow.
Johnny, um...
this is really the first guy since your father...
that... has felt right.
I'll get you some milk.
Oh! Look what I've got.
Chocolate, please.
I had a lot of fat kids over the years.
- This is Johnny. - A lot of fat kids.
Remember him now?
No. A lot of losers out there, I guess.
Arrgh!
Probably good for the old hip flexor...
to take a night off anyway, huh? Ha ha ha!
When did you get here?
About 10 minutes after you said good night to me.
Not even one chin-up, Farley?
You are a disgrace to fat...
gelatinous, out-of-shape little kids the world over.
- Can I get a glass of water, please? - Sure.
Son of a bitch!
- I'm sorry. - John Farley?
- Nedderman? - I can't believe it's really you!
I've read your book like 900 times...
and I'm not just saying this...
it's totally changed my life!
Really? That's great, man.
Hell, yeah. I work here full-time...
and also I'm starting my own pool cleaning business.
All I've got so far is a van but... but at least it's a start, right?
Well, every journey has to start somewhere.
Chapter 2. You're totally right.
Totally right.
Can you believe it? The Woodcock pan pizza?
What's next, the Hitler calzone?
Yeah, well, you're never gonna believe this.
Mr. Deepdish is dating my mom.
Woodcock? He's doing your mom?
- Wait. I wouldn't say doing... - Hear that, Mitch?
Woodcock's slamming his mom!
- You don't have to announce it. - Hey, guys!
Check it out. Woodcock's stuffing this dude's mom.
Woodcock's pounding your mom?
Hey, hey, guys, come on. Show a little respect.
How would you feel if Woodcock was porking your mom?
Woodcock's porking your mom!
- Woodcock's porking your mom! - Hey, shut your trap...
or you're not getting that cheesy bread!
I want my cheesy bread!
Then shut up!
Keep your mouth shut and you get your cheesy bread, all right?
I'm sorry about that. You want a slice on the house?
Sausage and onion. Extra sauce, right?
No, I don't really eat that stuff anymore.
Yeah, yeah, l... l... I'd probably lose my appetite too...
if Woodcock was giving it to my mom.
The guy is pure evil.
You know he killed Oates?
- What? - Yeah.
Remember, Woodcock used to make Oates do, like, 6 miles...
every day after school?
The guy had bad asthma, dude, you can't just run through that.
Holy shit. Well, when did he die?
A couple of years ago. But it was all Woodcock.
Ah...
Man, look, we can't blame Woodcock for Oates's choices.
Oates coulda stopped running, right?
When you make a blame sandwich...
you gotta be prepared to eat it yourself.
Chapter 10. You're totally right.
So what are you gonna do?
I think it's time Woodcock and I had a talk.
The shortest distance between 2 people...
Communication.
God, you must get so laid.
Farley, pass the ball.
Not even one pull-up, Farley?
Are you gonna be a loser, Farley?
I don't tolerate losers in my gymnasium.
Now, before we begin our exploration of wiffleball...
I think a little equipment check is in order.
Well, Dunningham?
Spread 'em, Dunningham.
That's OK. I don't need to see the cup, Dunningham.
Keep it in your pants.
You see, ladies, it's important that you come prepared to class.
Because when we're prepared...
then we're ready to face life's challenges.
Well, Farley, let's see whether or not you came prepared today.
Spread 'em.
Excuse me. Do you have a visitors' pass?
Tracy Dettweiler?
- John Farley? - Wh... You remember me?
Well, yeah, you're famous!
What are you doing here?
Oh, gee... what are you doing here?
Oh, l... I teach English.
- Wow. - Ha ha ha!
I really wish I had you as an English teacher.
I would have paid way more attention in class.
Ha ha ha! Wait a minute. What year were you in again?
Uh, same as you, actually.
- Really? - Yeah. I was...
I was actually your 7th grade lab partner.
Wait. Fat John?
- No way! Fat John! - Yeah.
Yep, I was fat.
Ha ha ha!
Wow, you've changed a lot.
Yeah. Thank you.
You're welcome. A... And they're giving you the Corn Cob Key.
- I mean, that's amazing. - Nah, it's nothing.
Don't be modest. L... l... I love your book.
I mean, you totally deserve the award.
- Wh... Really? - Yeah.
- Wow, thank you. - Mm.
Say, listen, what are you doing tonight? Do you want to, uh... um...
uh, a drink or go out for dinner or something?
I'd... love to but l... I can't.
I've got cheerleading practice.
- That's awesome. - No!
I'm the coach now.
- Oh, oh. - Yeah.
Um, h... here's my number.
Call me.
- I will. - OK. Bye.
Bye.
God, I'm so glad I wrote that book!
According to my syllabus...
we should be well into wrestling by now.
But because of your lack of focus...
we've yet to get past the fundamentals of kickball.
Kreamer, first rule of Bunting.
Um, do... don't...
There is no Bunting in kickball, Kreamer.
Set of ten.
Henderson, is there a reason why your shoe is untied?
- Um... - You see on the kickball field...
a screw-up like that can put you in a wheelchair.
You'll end up writing your name...
with a pencil taped to your head...
the rest of your life. Set of ten.
Until you learn the basics of any sport...
you cannot participate in it...
let alone excel in it.
What are you doing in my class?
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.
Well, you did. Set of ten.
- What? - It was a joke.
- What do you want? - Maybe I should just come back.
Maybe you should spit it out now...
so I don't have to explain to their parents...
why they didn't graduate on time.
Well, I've just been feeling...
like there's been some tension between us.
Like at dinner, with the check, and uh...
I guess I just wanted to say...
that some of that might have been my fault.
I'm sorry, he seems to be in pain.
- Who? - Him!
He's fine. Kreamer, off your knees.
Well, he doesn't look fine.
Listen, I have a class to teach...
so why don't you get to your point, if you've got one?
I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
And I'm sure for your part you're a little sorry too.
- I don't do sorry. - What?
Sorry is for criminals and screw-ups and I'm neither one.
Get up, Henderson.
Not you, Kreamer.
Now, if you don't mind...
these children are in need of an education.
Schwartz, you better fight your way...
past that stutter of yours...
and tell me about the pop fly rule as it pertains to kickball.
W... Well, it... it...
It...
- When... - S... s... s... s... s... s... s... set of ten.
Fine. My mom wants to date that asshole, she can go right ahead.
Chapter 12. Never interfere in other people's lives.
I don't think Mr. Woodcock's right for you.
- Really? - Yeah.
He's, um...
well, the truth is, he's not a very nice person, Mom.
- He isn't? - Do you remember when I used to...
come home crying every day after school?
You were so sensitive.
That's why you're so good at what you do.
It's not about being sensitive, Mom.
He made all of us miserable.
Sweetheart, you just hated anything athletic.
You can't blame Jasper for that.
You don't know him like I do.
And you don't know him like I do.
- He touched me. - What?
OK, that's not true.
But he's mean, and he's cruel.
Mom, I'm telling you, he's still...
He's still what?
He's still teaching gym.
- Oh! What'd you bring me? - Dinner.
Sorry I'm late. Had a long day. Got a little behind.
Wow. Jasper grills the best beef in Nebraska.
Well, I am known for my meat.
You only got 2 though, sweetie.
I'm sorry. I guess it must have slipped my mind.
John, you don't mind running to the store, do you?
No.
Take your time.
"I'm known for my meat!"
"I'm known for my meat."
Actually, you're not known for your meat, Woodcock.
You're known for emotionally crippling...
an entire generation of children.
Dickhead!
Mom.
Sweetheart.
What's wrong?
Jasper and I are no longer dating.
Oh.
That's so sad.
What happened?
We're engaged.
Oh.
Have we heard a congratulations yet?
Oh, I think he's in shock.
That's so good.
Oh, I'll get it.
I wanna start spreading the news.
Mm.
Ha ha ha.
Hello?
Well, it looks like I'm gonna be your new dad.
Come on, Johnny. Stay, help us celebrate.
Sorry, Mom. Book tour emergency.
I have to get to the airport.
- You haven't eaten. - L... I'll grab something on the way.
I love you, Mom. It's great to see you.
I love you too.
Farley.
Be safe.
Eenie, meanie, miney...
Farley.
There's no truer test of the human spirit...
than wrestling.
That's called a takedown.
Get up, Farley.
There are many kinds of takedowns.
Today, we're going to cover some of my favorites.
This is called the head and arm.
This is called the single leg sweep.
You step and you sweep!
This is called the fireman's throw.
Shoot the crotch, collapse the hip and sling shot.
OK, Farley, you're up.
What?
Put me on the mat.
Come on. You were paying attention, weren't you?
Let's go.
OK, take me down.
You see there is no reason why even a little porker like this...
shouldn't be able to take me straight to the mat.
I once saw a 4-foot Laotian...
twist a 250lb Swede so hard...
that he mopped the bleachers with his blood.
The only reason I'm still standing...
is because you don't believe in yourself, Farley!
You don't believe in yourself!
Stop the cab! Stop!
Don't believe in myself, my ass!
I invented believing in yourself.
No way in hell this guy's gonna run me out of my own house.
Wow. Woodcock's still plowing your mom, huh?
He's marrying her.
Wait, Woodcock's marrying your mom?
Ha ha ha. Dudes!
Don't even think about it!
Get me a pitcher!
What is that, Canadian bacon?
So I guess the talk didn't go very well?
God, can you imagine my family with Woodcock in it?
A tie for Christmas, Farley? Set of ten!
You didn't eat your vegetables? Take a lap.
You call that a grandchild? Rhetorical question, Farley.
That sucks. What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna kill Woodcock.
- And you're gonna help me. - John.
I've already got 2 strikes and I can't be a part of...
I'm just venting here. Is that OK? Is it OK if a guy vents?
Yeah, sure, because I thought you were serious.
Ha! I've got it. I'm gonna break them up.
How are you gonna do that?
You see, I made a mistake before.
I let him take me out of my game.
But this time, I'm gonna get inside his head...
and spin him like a top.
That's good. I don't remember anything like that in your book.
It's not in my book, Nedderman.
- Hello. - Hey, John.
- How's my favorite author? - Hey, Maggie.
Hold on a second.
OK, Mommy time's over.
But don't be sad.
Yeah, uh, actually, I gotta talk to you about that.
I know you have some kind of corn chowder thing on Sunday...
but look, I have amazing news. Oprah...
is seriously considering your book for the book club.
It's unbelievable. I have you on a 9:30 flight out...
and then I'll meet you on the connecting flight in St. Louis.
Maggie, I can't.
- It's a long story but l... I can't. - Knock it off!
- You can't what? - I can't make it to Chicago.
My mom needs me. She's about to marry the Antichrist.
Look, I don't care if your granny's on fire.
This is Oprah.
She farts on a book...
and it magically sells a million copies.
Just get your ass on that plane!
- Maggie, please, listen... - Breaking up this phone call.
Get on... plane tomorrow.
Hey! Where are you going?
W... Wait! Tell me more about your wife!
Mom?
See, I made a mistake before. I let him take me off my game.
But this time I'm gonna get inside his head...
and spin him like a top.
Spin him like a top.
- Spin him like... - Tickle machine!
No, no, no! Not a tickle machine. No!
Oh, oh, stop it!
Oh, Jasper, mind...
Who was that? I think someone's in the house.
- Don't worry, I got it. - Be careful.
Oh, shit!
No, no! Oh! Ow! Ow!
Ow, it's me! It's me! It's John!
Stop! Ow! Stop! It's John, man!
- Oh! Johnny! - What the hell, Woodcock?
Well, it was dark. Instinct took over.
What about when I said, "It's me! It's John!"
John's a very common name. There could be a burglar named John.
What burglar shouts out his own name?
I'm sure it was an accident, sweetie. L... um...
Honey, I thought you were in danger.
Oh.
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Well, uh, J... John, what are you doing here?
I thought about it...
and I just didn't want to disappoint you, Mom.
Aw, that is so sweet.
- Are you sure you're all right? - Yeah, I'm great.
All right, well, then, um...
- we'll see you in the morning. - Great.
Come on, Jasper.
Farley.
So you really didn't know it was me last night?
Well, that's what happens...
when you go sneaking around someone else's house.
What do you mean, someone else's house?
Well, last time I checked, chief...
you don't live here anymore.
That's not the point.
- Morning. Oh, no, sweetheart. Oh, my God. - Sorry.
That is so rude. Don't do that.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
- I love you. - Oh, thank you.
Oh, I love you too.
- I love you so much. - Aww. Thank you.
He's the best.
Well, if it isn't the future Mrs. Woodcock.
Aww.
Mmmmm. Mmmmmm.
Mmmm! Ha ha!
Hey, Jasper. How about we spend the day together?
Get to know each other better, you know?
- What a great idea. - Yeah.
Actually, I have a lot on my plate today, John.
Oh, come on. We'll have fun.
- Mmm! - I'll take a rain check.
Honey.
I'm glad we're doing this.
Getting to know each other better...
talking things out.
Conversation leads to inspiration, right?
That's from my book.
Ah, I'll get you a copy.
Look, I love my mom. We're very, very close.
Not in a weird way, of course. Just close.
Listen, we could be pals.
We could be guys that sit and watch foot...
...hanging loose at the gym. To me, this is what life is about.
Now, I'm not saying there's a problem here. I don't judge.
You guys have only known each other 5 months.
You've got your whole life ahead of you. You could be kids.
I don't know what you guys like to do...
but it's just that's... that's what's important.
I'm just trying to tell you, don't rush, OK?
Don't rush your life.
You know?
Running your mouth doesn't count as exercise.
You gonna work out or what?
I think you'll survive.
You're not showering?
No, no. I'm good.
This is not France, Farley.
Maybe you don't mind smelling like a nut sack all day...
but I gotta be in the car with you.
There are kids in Africa who'd kill for a shower.
Come on, Farley. Move it.
You called me Farley.
You used to call me that when I was in your class.
It's your name, isn't it?
You really don't remember me?
Well, with your innate athletic ability...
it's hard to believe, huh?
Do you remember what...
Simply rub the solution on your teeth...
wait a few moments and then rinse.
- Morning, boys. - Jasper, you old side-winder.
Come to get your ears lowered?
Hey, you look like you could stand...
to have a little taken off the top, you damn hippy.
Well, looks like you could stand...
to have a little taken off the middle, you fat son of a bitch.
Ha ha ha!
Hee hee hee.
You got an appointment?
- No, sir. I'm with him. - Sit down, Farley.
God knows you could use a little trim.
- Ha ha ha! - I don't know, Jasper.
You think that boy even knows what trim is?
Ha ha ha!
Sit down, Huckleberry.
- Maybe clean up the back a little bit. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, Jasper. How's that hell cat of yours doing?
- Yeah, she's keeping me young. - Yes, she is.
- In the sack. - Ha!
Yeah, well, I'm gonna make an honest woman out of her.
Thought you woulda learned the first time.
Yeah, guess not.
You never told me you were married before.
Yeah, well, I never told you about my kidney stones either. So what?
Whoa! What are you doing?
Well, don't have a hissy fit, Nancy!
It's just a pair of clippers.
You knew they were gonna do that.
If you didn't want a haircut you didn't have to get one.
This is not Russia.
- You're late, you fairy! - How you doing, Dad?
All I do all day is watch Judge Joe Brown and piss myself.
How the hell do you think I'm doing?
Wait, you have a father?
Yes, Farley, I'm not Jesus.
- Who is this genius? - It's, uh, Beverly's kid.
Looks like he got a little retard in him.
Are you simple, boy?
- Ha ha ha. - So, Dad...
- I'm getting married. - Again?
So... Yes.
Didn't you screw that up enough the first time?
I'll give it 6 months. Oh, I'll outlive this marriage. And you!
How down on her luck must your momma be to marry a gym teacher?
She knows that he plays hopscotch for a living, right?
- You think I'm funny, boy? - No.
- You want to wrestle me? - Uh, no, thank you.
Come on, wrestle an old man!
- Dad... - Come on, cream puff!
My legs are as useless as your little pecker, but come on!
- Dad, Dad... - Come on!
I'm going to teach my class now. Do you want to go to the pool?
Water sports is for girls and sodomites!
Sodomites.
OK, I'll see you later, Dad.
- Well, it was a pleasure. - Beat it, fruitcake!
He seems like a really nice guy.
You want a shoe up your ass, Farley?
No.
Robinson, go dump a bedpan.
OK, let's move it.
Get those arms up!
Where's Palumbo?
Palumbo, are you crippled and deaf?
Into the pool!
Palumbo, don't push me.
I think his hearing aid is on the fritz.
I didn't ask you, did I, Weaver?
Well, no, I guess not.
Rhetorical question, Weaver. Take a lap.
Oh. I was just trying to help!
Don't you think you're being a little harsh with them?
They're just old, Farley. They're not pathetic.
They enjoy a challenge.
Move those legs.
I'm not gonna ask you again, Palumbo.
Lose the attitude.
Oh, you think this is funny?
All right, that's it, Palumbo. It's go time.
What the...
And Platts, don't think I'm not watching you.
You're not the first person in the world to get a hip replacement.
Pick up the pace!
OK, Palumbo, this is your last chance.
Oh, really? OK, we'll do it your way, then.
- Whoa, whoa... - Sink or swim, old man.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no! - Sink or swim!
Jesus, are you insane?
He doesn't need your help, Farley.
What the hell, man? Aah!
Sir, it's all right. I'm trying to help you.
I'm trying to save your life!
Oh!
Hm.
Jackass!
Nice job, Scardusio. Did you get any tongue?
No, but I get better suction without the choppers.
Makes sense.
Oh!
Come on, Farley, let's saddle up.
I'm waiting for my clothes to dry.
- Hello? - Hey, John.
I'm on an airplane heading for Chicago.
And you'll never guess who's sitting next to me.
- Who? - Nobody!
Now where is your ass and why isn't it in seat 2A?
Man, just hold on a second. I got another call.
- Hello? - I got your message, dude.
- What's going on? - Hey. Hold on.
You know, Mr. Woodcock, I'm just gonna get myself home.
Suit yourself, Farley. Just get some pants on.
This is not Miami.
Suddenly it makes sense.
Nedderman, Woodcock's been married before.
Now, I need you to find out who she is...
and then pick me up at Alterman's.
Right. The nursing home?
Yeah, and bring me some underwear.
Some of mine?
- Listen, Maggie. - Hello?
Everything's going to shit right now, OK?
I'm sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.
No, John, don't hang...
Asshole!
Excuse me. Hi. Could I get a real bottle, please?
I'm an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll.
What happened to your head?
Just drive, Nedderman.
Her name is Sally Jensen.
Oh, good work! Let's go see her right now.
Why?
Well, think about it, Nedderman.
Who's more likely to have dirt on Woodcock than his ex-wife?
But in your book don't you say...
digging up the past muddies up the present?
Yes, I do...
but that's only true if the past...
doesn't actually affect the present.
Think about it, Nedderman.
If I can learn something about Woodcock's past...
that'll save my mom from future heartache in the future...
then I don't really have a choice...
but to address it in the present, right?
L... Guess not.
Exactly.
Who is that?
That's my brother, Clark.